Page 1
1. When do you feel at your best?
a. At four in the morning, three bags of crisps down and half a Smallville box set still to go
b. Whenever the human race leaves me alone for five minutes
c. Just between my third and fourth pint, when I can take on anything the world throws at me. Except a fifth pint.
Page 2
2. You usually walk...
a. Walk? Walking is for dogs and hikers, I prefer the stationary feeling
b. As fast as I have to, if I am being pursued
c. In an incoherent fashion, usually I trip up over myself
Page 3
3. When talking to people you...
a. Wonder how long it'll be before you can sit back down again
b. Stand with your arms folded, waiting for your turn to speak
c. Try to focus your eyes on any part of their body, and lean on something for support
Page 4
4. When relaxing, you sit with...
a. Anyone who's around. I don't mind as long as they don't change the channel
b. A disgruntled feeling of dissatisfaction, knowing that relaxation can never last and pretty soon something or someone will smash your pleasure to pieces
c. The bloke you just met on the bus, discussing the importance of sausage rolls
Page 5
5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a. A big, appreciative laugh
b. A laugh, but only on the inside. There is no reason for the world to know how you feel
c. A quiet chuckle, followed by a dribble
Page 6
6. When you arrive at a party or social gathering you like to...
a. Slip quickly through the masses and find a shady comfy spot
b. Make everyone at the party aware they're soulless bitches, and go straight for the booze cabinet
c. Knock over a lamp, come on to the hostess and throw up in the sink
Page 7
7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted. Do you...
a. Turn the volume up, rewind and go over what you missed
b. Loose the plot, insult the interrupter and break a chair
c. Decide you need some refreshment, and wake up in Doncaster four days later
Page 8
8. Which of the following colours do you like most?
a. Black
b. Mauve
c. Aqua marine purple
Page 9
9. When you are ready for bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie...
a. Knees on your chin, arms wrapped around yourself
b. Awake wondering how the hell your life got into this intolerable state
c. In the best position that you can get comfortable on a bench
Page 10
10. You often dream that you are...
a. Awake
b. Far, far away. Preferably in the queue for KFC in the food court of Hell
c. Floating inside a giant Sothern Comfort bottle, on a li-lo
Page 11
11. Do you think crying is a sign of weakness?
a. No, everyone should express how they feel all the time
b. Yes, only the French may weep, the rest of us have lives to get on with
c. Only if you've got just cause, i.e. it's your Birthday and you have to buy your own shit-mix drink
Page 12
12. Do you always try to hide your anger?
a. Only if it is caused by something fictional, e.g. Anakin cutting off Mace Windu's hand in Episode III. Dirty long haired bastard
b. Yes. Every time. No one will ever know if I am upset by something
c. I find on the whole that I am not an angry person, usually I am on the end of other peoples anger
Page 13
13. You come across a wounded deer on a lonely highway, it has a broken leg and is close to death. Do you try to help comfort the deer in its final moments , or do you continue on your way?
a. If the deer was in serious need of medical assistance I would give it whatever Lambrini I had on my person.
b. I would step up, give the deer a serious theological discussion on the nature of being, and then whack it on the head with a rock. It's the humane way. Oh and I'd get a free deer head mount for my wall
c. I would continue on my way. Then I would stop at the nearest tavern, do a bit of karaoke and call for assistance
Page 14
14. I believe that God...
a. Invented Sky Plus, and therefore should be worshipped and adored by all
b. Isn't as big as he used to be. And if I were the Almighty Creator of All, I'd make some serious changes
c. Still owes me a fiver. At least, he said his name was God
Page 15
15. When I think about issues of faith or spirituality, my foremost concern is...
a. I may have to walk all the way to the gates of Heaven
b. All religions may be a load of codsbollocks
c. There is no more room in eternal paradise for another harmless boozer, so I may have to live forever
Page 16
Bravo, you have survived.
This grueling test you've just taken was put together by a team of Swedish psychologists, working around the clock for three and a half years, to try and determine why people behave in the manner they do. They wanted to get a deeper and more profound knowledge of the instincts and impulses which drive human begins about their daily tasks and interests. Also interesting to note is that six out of the seven psychologists that designed this test are now in incarceration in mental institutions, and the one psychologist who remains legally sane gave up psychology and now presents a late night show on Swedish televisions. By all accounts it's shit.
So, lets get down to business. Move on for the results:
Page 17
If you answered with mostly As then you are Jane:
You are a person of absolute leisure. You enjoy the simple things in life, such as BBC Four and sitting down. You are never in a rush, like to socialize on your own terms, and will be the last person out of the door. Your time keeping skills may need a serious overhaul, but you are always ready to help those who are in need. Slight downside is that you may develop bed sores from the amount of sitting down you do.
Page 18
If you answered with mostly Bs then you are Clapton:
I'm amazed you're still reading. You have little time for the folly of others, always speak your mind and will not be led into anything you think will waste your time. Others may find you a little outspoken but you firmly believe what you think is the best for everyone. Your thoughts and feelings are your own business. You may think of yourself as a lone wolf, but in actuality youre more of a solitary goat.
Page 19
If you answered with mostly Cs than you are Max:
Oh dear. You are a creature of absolute instinct, throwing yourself into whatever feels good regardless of the consequences. You will try anything once. Reckless at times, and incontinent at others, people will find you both amusing and frustrating (often at the same point in time). Your sense of adventure is never ending, and tomorrow is always a fresh day to paint a canvas of vomit upon. If I were you, I'd consult a physician or a Priest at the next available opportunity.
