Tom 'Let's All Enjoy A Nice Egg' Critch
AKA Alex
Age: 21 (according to out of date Edge Hill ID card)
Occupation: Wandering Minstrel
Brief Bio: A bad joke amongst the more respectable branches of the Critch family, Tom was actually born to Lord and Lady Crotchington of Sussex in the late 18th century, and only ended up in the 20th century after downing a bottle of pure Uranium for a bet and subsequently being struck by lightening. Has worked in several industries, including the retail, financial, administrative, service, drainage, political and adult, but for tax purposes was never present for any of the training. Spent time at Edge Hill University, mainly hiding inside a Jack Rabbit wine bottle. Only became interested in writing after scribbling his own name on an empty Lion bar wrapper. Can often be found playing with himself in the bottle banks of Eccles.
Muffin Role: Alex, writer & producer
Robert 'Alfonso' Dean
AKA George
Age: 45 (According to Rolling Stone Magazine)
Occupation: Too boring to mention
Brief Bio: was brought into the world in the late eighties during a shower of rain, frogs and cider, and subsequently can communicate with any of these forms of life. After studying in the caves of the Wirral for many decades, he found his innate skills leaned towards both music and literature, and has been combining the two whenever possible since. Has worked in several successful Liverpudlian bands, including Noir, Eddys Head and Everybodys Done Trevors Mom, but now goes solo in his The Untimely Death Of Rob Dean outfit, which he describes as like being sawed in half by a music shaped orgasm. Spent time at Edge Hill University in the mid nouties doing Creative Writing and Hobgoblin Studies, but prefers to ignore this woeful time in his life. Currently resides inside his mind.
Muffin Role: George, Writer, Composer
Dean 'Youre All A Bunch Of C****' Mason
AKA Clapton
Age: Unknown
Occupation: Helping Crack Addicts Get Off The Crack. And Onto The Methadone
Brief Bio: Gifted with a profound ability to successfully argue a point from the day of his birth, Dean has been verbally conquering the known world ever since, and even once spent seven days in a piss puddle in Eccles just to prove a point. A littler known fact about him is that he can make any subject into a song, and has been known to diffuse many an aggressive situation with this skill. Along with Rob and most of the Muffin gang, also went to Edge Hill University, but chooses not to speak about his time there, for personal and legal reasons. Has had working experience at both Morrisons Supermarket and Macro, which he describes as turds with people inside, and now resides in a sleepy leafy section of Salford.
Muffin Role: Clapton, 1st AD, Production Designer
Rach 'Five Foot Does Not Make Me A Midget' Mason
AKA Jane
Age: 23
Occupation: Professional Thespian
Brief Bio: A strange and elfin creature from a time now lost, very little is actually known about her origins and background. Has claimed on several occasions to be both a former chimney sweep and related to various pop stars, such as Dusty Springfield, Janis Joplin and Pink, but these claims have often been publicly denied. Highly theatrical and RADA trained, Rachel has spent many years on the road with various theatre companies, and apparently studied under Alec Guinness during his I hate Star Wars period. As well as her numerous live art pieces she has appeared in all manner of plays, including Henry V, Death Of A Salesman, Streetcar Named Desire, and Edge Hills Rose Theatres production of Bridget Jones' Vagina. Is currently exploring the deepest veldts of Africa, hoping to discover another of her kind.
Muffin Role: Jane, and public relations co-ordinator
Robert 'William Leonard Alvin Simon Theodore' Dormer
AKA Max
Age: Fuck Knows
Occupation: Some Say Bingo Caller. Some Say Ball Fondler
Brief Bio: Originally an advertising character for White Lightening cider in the late seventies, Rob was actually responsible for the original theory work on the Manhattan Project, after suggesting to a friend in a tavern that someone should blow the fucking roof off this place, although he later claimed this quote was taken out of context. Began his acting career as a stand in for posts and sunken trees, as his drunken demeanour seemed to fit the roles perfectly. Spent many years at Edge Hill in a triple vodka red bull whirlwind, and only realised he was actually doing a degree there in the mid nouties. Has worked on groundbreaking projects such as 'Piece Of Mind' and 'Host', but currently denies all involvement in either. Can currently be found propping up a shelf in Ashton-Under-Lyne.
Muffin Role: Max, and post stand in
Danielle ‘I’ll Play Anything But A Bubble Wrap Sex Doll’ Caveney
AKA Girl Alex
Age: Classified
Occupation: Highly Theatrical Thespian
Brief Bio: Discovered in a speakeasy bar by the late great director John Ford, for many years her career stalled in a series of silent musical westerns. Went missing in Vietnam during an USO tour with Bob Hope in ‘63, but re-emerged eighteen months later on the Merseybeat scene and by all accounts had a brief fling with George Harrison. Harrison later claimed in his autobiography she was ‘the finest woman never to play in The Beatles’. Is not only a trained mime and expert pistol shot, but is capable of winning staring competitions with HD cameras. Is currently hoping to set up a scheme to get impoverished children off the streets and back into the workhouse where they belong.
Muffin Role: Girl Alex
Stacy ‘Anyone Fancy A Brew?’ Jones
AKA Snotty Girl
Age: None Of Your Freaking Business
Occupation: Patron Saint Of Lost Causes
Brief Bio: Stacy’s story begins in the hills of Austria, where as a local serving wench she gained the attention of an English lord who saw potential in her innate ability to shame people into cleaning up whatever mess they had made. She later married the English lord, but according to friends and relatives the marriage was not a happy one, and six months later he was found dead under Blackpool tower. Fleeing to Australia to find gold and hopefully ride a kangaroo bareback, Stacy was finally coaxed into acting by Guy Richie, who apparently based Vinnie Jones’ ‘Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels’ character on her mannerisms and personality. Is now residing in Ashton-Under-Lyne for tax purposes.
Muffin Role: Snotty Girl & production assistant
Dan ‘You Tube Was Invented By My Father’ Statham
AKA Joe
Age: 12 min 34 sec
Occupation: Man About Town
Brief Bio: Descending from a long line of vegan alchemists, Dan’s life is a sad and woeful tale about the misuse of magic and nature. Rumoured to be the lovechild of the actress Sarah Bernhardt and the Nigerian demon Alkasaltzer, Dan spent his childhood wandering the back streets of Rome, searching for lost black magic spells and hoping to reinvent the wheel into something sexier. Kidnapped by disgraced Italian monks and imprisoned for sixteen years in a McDonalds stock cupboard, Dan was tutored in the ways of technology, and now invests himself and his time in the cut throat world of You Tube videos. Can often be found running round the North West with a digital camera in hand.
Muffin Role: Joe & behind the scenes director
Laura ‘Stick A Coaster Under It’ Berry
AKA Laurie
Age: 16 Going On 17
Occupation: Worlds Most Patient Woman (Five Years Running)
Brief Bio: Raised on a remote hill in Birmingham, this young lady was the first to bring those from the surrounding hills together, and now has her very own marble bust in Birmingham city centre, the inscription running underneath reading; ‘She came. She saw. She mingled.’ Was the actual inspiration for the ‘Baby’ character in ‘Dirty Dancing’, and although receiving thousands of fan letters every week, refuses to discuss whether her and the real life ‘Johnny Castle’ ever danced on a tree over a river. Studied Sociology at Edge Hill University, and has now embarked on a social experiment whereby she shares an apartment with the most furious man in Britain. The results of which are expected in 2014.
Muffin Role: Laurie & catering supervisor
Kyle 'Aren't I Being Great' Ogden
Director, DoP, Camera Operator, Editor
Occupation: Professional Survivor
Brief Bio: Once considered the most dangerous man in Oldham, Kyle has had a ropey and difficult climb to the top of the media tree. Was once arrested for impersonating a police officer, but later released as the officer who arrested him was also impersonating an officer. Worked under Stanley Kubrick during the production of 'Eyes Wide Shut' but was fired after re-arranging one of the sets and continually yelling "Youre all going to drink my piss tonight!" at cast members. Re-trained at Edge Hill and soon gained acclaim as being the only living man able to work with Robert Dormer and not suffer a hangover in the process. Has been quoted that his visual style comes from "Fellini, Scorsese, the later films of Burgeman, oh and being completely out of my tree at the time". Is in the midsts of post production on his six hour epic 'The Toilet: One Mans Struggle'
Mark 'Isnt It Weird How Noise Comes Out Through Lips' Thomas
Script Supervisor/continuity, body double for any sunbed scenes
Age: 19
Occupation: Philosopher
Brief Bio: A late addition to the Muffin family, Mark's wit and experience has been utilised in many roles during the production, and his philosophical nature has struck a chord with many of the production crew, who value him for his warmth and wisdom. He began his career as a 'tough for hire' on the carnival circuit, and was talent spotted by an agent who saw him beat a man half to death with a candy apple for cutting in line at the dodgems. Mark has expertise in most working fields, and stresses to anyone who will listen that a comfy chair is better than no chair. This comment has often been pondered over by Theology students, who struggle to dissect its true meaning. Able to deal with drunken hecklers, and keep a production crew smiling well into the small hours, he has proven himself to be a powerful ally in all media related situations.
Leona ‘Take That Tone With Me Again And I’ll Break Your Coccyx’ Burton
Age: 18 (If Any Bouncers Ask)
Occupation: Assassin For Hire
Brief Bio: First attained notoriety following the brutal murder of Pope Gregory V, although sources speculate that at the time of Gregory’s murder she was busy garrotting an Italian barman who took away her drink before she had finished it. Exiled to Wales, she was employed briefly by Dylan Thomas to keep the angry husbands of women he was having affairs with at bay. Turned her hand to filmmaking after saving Grace Kelly’s life in a bizarre chip pan fire, which Kelly later claimed she didn’t start. Now works full time in the film industry, mainly roughing up obsessive fans of celebrities such as Katie Price, Justin Bieber and Judi Dench.
Muffin Role: Production assistant & clapper loader
Chris 'Look at the Bells on Her' Philpot
Accounts Manager, Camera Assistant
Age: 36
Occupation: Timber Expert
Brief Bio: Chris has spent the last few years building up a portfolio of both real and imagined work, and is the only member of the Muffin team who can operate a forklift truck. Trained initially in the Moscow Ballet, but was asked to leave after an onstage scuffle with his leading lady. He has been quoted as being a supporter of football, and beer, but reports are sketchy as to which he values more highly. A qualified accountant with a proud history in Hollywood, Chris was the first and only choice of finance co-ordinator on 'James Camerons Avatar' film, however when the films budget passed the 200 million dollar mark, film insiders reported that he had to be talked down off a Beverley Hills hotel balcony. Is currently working and living in a car north of Oldham.
Chris ‘Do It Again, And Don’t Look At The Camera This Time’ Fleming
Age: Old Enough To Know Not To Answer That Question
Occupation: Lens Polisher
Brief Bio: Got his big break by having the balls to tell Errol Flynn he was facing the wrong way for his close up on the set of ‘Robin Hood’ he has been making waves in the cinematic world ever since. A student at the prestigious institute Edge Hill, where he briefly ran into Rob Dormer coming out of The Queens and made a silent promise never to work with him, he now finds himself in great demand. Invented the now commonly used ‘Hitchcock’ zoom by mistake one night whilst drunk with Hitchcock himself, and has been fighting a vicious legal battle ever since to get the zoom renamed as the ‘Fleming and Hitchcock zoom. Or the ‘Flemcock’ zoom, as Sight and Sound have christened it.
Muffin Role: Camera operator & stills photographer
Lee 'Can you please not look at me until I've done my hair' Blanchflower
Boom Operator
Age: Mental or physical?
Occupation: Drug Dealer
Brief Bio: Lee has spent the last couple of years working in Europe, Jumping from hole to hole... and that's just his female colleagues. Lee soon become tired of his hedonistic lifestyle and returned home to his trusty vanity mirror and his own bathroom, where he has payed to have his hair gel plumbed in. Lee is a hugely welcomed member of the Student Muffin clan and we couldn't ask for a better person to hold a long stick with a fluffy mic on the end, but there is one drawback to this aesthetically flawless individual. Once intigrated into the group, both he and his new colleagues discovered, the hard way, that just because you have left a country it doesn't mean that all husbands and boyfriends of the girls you have deflowered will forget about what you have done. Lee is currently debating going on the run in Addis Ababa
